No one would notice if I just got into a car accident and died, or got sick and stopped showing up. No one would notice anything
I could be in the hospital right now`
and no one would care
I have no friends.
I moved into my car.
My body wants to die on me.
I can’t graduate.
No one cares.
People are pigs.
I don’t want to live.
I’m feeling lonely.
I’ve been so busy that this is the first chance I’ve had to myself and I’ve realized I have good friends and I sort of like my life, but I don’t I feel I’m depressed and I’m trying to keep busy to forget about it. I’m super lonely right now though. I have people I talk to but if I ever have a serious problem, I don’t think I could talk to anyone. I had a serious and have a serious problem, but I don’t want to tell anyone. I feel like I’m bottling everything up more and more. I told off my guidance counselor and I’m not eating or drinking anymore. I barely am sleeping. I feel so unhealthy. I want to see my doctor for pain in an area, but I don’t care about my health anymore. I’ve given up. I mean Monday I ate some chips and potato pancakes, Tuesday the same. Wednesday, some chips. Thursday, chickfila. Friday pizza. Saturday a burger from bk. I barely drink. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of weight because I haven’t been eating. I went to go eat the other night because I was so hungry and I ate something and almost threw up. My body doesn’t want food. It’s never hungry.
So I went to the firehouse banquet. It was so much fun. I was dancing and having the time of my life. I wanted to dance with my friend Matt, but he said “I don’t dance.” So I ended up dancing with this guy Ray. He seemed pretty chill… he was drunk so it was whatever. I wanted to dance with Marcus, but I didn’t. Then Bill was trying to hit on me. It wasn’t fun when he was. Charles is a sexy mofo though and hugged him. I tried staying away from Bill. He was drunk as anything. He came over towards me and my “date” Ronnie came and took him away while I was talking to Ray. Then Bill came over with a chair in the air and was gonna hit a guy who was talking to me. It got intense. The guy I was talking to, Ray, was really nice. I mean yeah, he was drunk, but he was nice. He really seemed to like me. We exchanged numbers. I danced some more with him. When I went to leave he kissed my forehead. My friends walked me out to my car. I went to my other guy friends house. We cuddled and made out. I fell asleep. Fun stuff (; I now have hickeys ):
6:20 am - wake up.
6:35 am - leave for my sisters.
7:00 am - at my sisters… watching nephew.
3:30 pm - leave sisters and head home.
3:50 pm - take shower at home and get ready for banquet.
4:40 pm - leave for banquet (go to firehouse).
4:50 pm - arrive at firehouse and leave there.
8:00 pm - leave banquet to go to Joe’s place to sleepover.
So it starts.
I’m an official member of Modena Fire Company as of Monday. I leaked out a little information about myself, and bam. Now the drama. I’m so sorry I did that. I don’t want to go to their banquet because they’re all being asses already to me. I was told to watch out for certain people while they’re drunk. I like this guy… ish and this girl went right after him. My god.
I feel like hell.
I can’t tell anyone why I feel so shitty. So I’ll just say I could be rather sick right now. I hope not. I see a doctor Friday and got some blood work done today. If the blood work comes back negative, Friday will be upsetting. I stayed home without my mother knowing because I need sleep so bad and to take a muscle relaxer.
Well hello world. It’s been awhile since I’ve come onto this. I’ve had a lot going on in my life.
Bryan and I are officially over. He lied to me so bad. I told my sister about him and I and she said she slept with him and did other stuff with him. It was upsetting to me. I’m hurt, but I’m single and I’m learning to love it.
I’ve missed like 87 days of school this year. I’m trying to catch up right now and it’s going okay. I do not enjoy doing it. I’m praying I can graduate.
I have an interview at Kohl’s tomorrow and another interview at Red Robin on Tuesday. I’d much rather work at Kohl’s, but Red Robin sorta wants me.
I have a lot of friends, but none are my true friend. I can’t trust a single one of them and I’m okay with that. I’m learning to keep so busy that I forget my issues.
Yes, I am now a firefighter/EMT. I work out of Modena Fire Company in Modena, Pennsylvania. It’s exciting. I haven’t run any calls yet. (Not officially in… Monday April 9, 2012 I will though.)
It’s interesting. Fighting and not fighting. I’m never home, but I am around my sister and her child a lot. I watch her child - my nephew - every Saturday morning/afternoon. I enjoy it. I can get close to him while he ages. I can also get close to my sister and have her trust me more and more.
I’m pretty sure I’m sick with something. I might have Lyme Disease. I got bit by a tick four weeks ago. I have a headache all the time and I’m exhausted. I also have another personal health issue I would rather not tell anyone.
Up and down week. I got a car. Bryan called…. Anxiety up.
Every time I go to live and I finally think things are better, everything gets bad again. I can’t keep dealing with this. I don’t want to. If this is going to be the rest of my life, I want to die now.
I’d rather go to jail.
And since I’m 18… one false move and I can. Since I have no where to live, I’d rather be dead.
It’s where I vent. I try not to keep anyone too close to me anymore. I’ve been really hurt lately though. My life is about to change. I’m starting a new season in my life.
Bryan… he was my “boyfriend” who I did love… Well the thing is he kind of stopped talking to me. One moment I thought he loved me and the next he’s updating his Facebook status and I flip because he doesn’t answer me. Now that might sound clingy, but he made a promise he would text me when he could because he does have a very busy life and two busy jobs. So I didn’t try to bother him. Well something happened and he just was fed up with my or something and didn’t answer me and still hasn’t. It hurts so incredibly bad. I really loved him. I flipped out again and again saying I couldn’t understand why he was doing this and how he could. He still hasn’t answered. I went through some really bad sleep waking up every hour thinking of him - dreaming of him. I was and am so worried. I don’t understand how he could do this and live with himself. I’ve had this happen before, but that person was mad. Bryan wasn’t. It really hurts.
My parents and I are living on edge. I am so frustrated with all of this stress in my life. I’m ready to break any moment. I’m constantly yelling at them and they are constantly yelling at me. I have so much I have to do, but no ambition. I don’t know why I can’t, but I just can’t. I have so much school work to do, but I’m doing none of it. My social life is more important because it’s actually keeping my sane from not crying and wanting to be suicidal. I take it all out on my parents. The accident messed with me. I have so much to do from it. Also my parents want to buy me a car and no one will hire me. It sucks majorly because I want a job and I want a car and I want to pay for my own. No one will hire me. I am going to call Yankee Candle this week to find out about a job there. I am so busy with Physical Therapy and trying to get fit. On top of this, I figured I wanted to start volunteering at a firehouse. Yes, I want to become a firefighter and I am doing it without my parents knowing. I want to become a firefighter. I want to work for the NSA which means go to college. I want to graduate high school. I want to live a life. I want to keep busy so I can be single forever. I do and don’t want a special someone. If I do have them, I have to worry about them and it’s not healthy for me. I can’t deal with it. If I don’t, then I’m just lonely and/or horny. Which I can live with a little more easier than being worried and anxious. I still want to become a masseuse. Between massaging people forever or killing and protecting people forever. Depends what I really want to do. We will see. It will be interesting how my years go. I don’t even know what tomorrow will bring me. Or the next hour.
I am trying to live my life a little better. I am going to focus more on my spiritual needs then my physical needs. I am going to get better fit. I am going to sit and actually do work. I want to love my life and love myself. I am a good person. Let me be better. There is always room to improve.
This is my Tumblr. I write what I want.
I had some of the worst sleep ever.
I woke up every hour, tossed and turned and fell back asleep. I had dreams of the same person all night. I just don’t understand why he did this to me. I feel so anxious and upset and angry. It makes me not want to talk to any guy ever again. I don’t understand why he hurt me this way. I didn’t do a single thing to him to make him want this or anything, so why does he like… hate me. He just stopped talking to me. I have no idea. I deleted a bunch of people from my phone and I’m not talking to any of them anymore. I just don’t want to. I am so fed up. I am working on myself for the next month or so.
I can’t work out right. I can’t diet right. I want to become a firefighter, but I don’t think I can. I want to join the military and I know I can’t. I want to change my name. I want to have an actual male who will love me for me and not lie to me and care about me. I want to have fun. I want a job. I want to buy my own car. I want a pick up truck. I want to lose 30 pounds by the end of the school year. I want to be healthy. I want to give my life to Jesus.